Full Disclosure Ch.2-1
Hi, Samantha here, about three and a half weeks after John was hospitalized, Bill asked me to read what he had written in the first chapter, and then he asked me to write the next chapters. I feel his reasoning was that I had lived it, and I would be better able to share with you and him what had happened between my friend and me, rather than if he tried to relay it to you third person. I also feel that as he was reading my diaries, I interjected too many times with an "oh, yes, that is when I was..." or "oh, yes, I remember feeling..." as some other thought or memory came to mind that I would share with him which I had not written down. After all, so many times you can't get everything down in a diary, just the high points that trigger memories.
Bill wants to know EVERYTHING! And I suspect you may also want to know everything. Quite frankly Bill has done really good, hearing about the initial details of my relationship. Bill is sharing this with the world, although I am not quite sure why he feels the need to do that. I certainly don't. But he does right now, and I am in no position to refuse him this desire. This has been his fetish for 28 years, and now that he has his own story, he wants to share it with you.
Let me also clear up a little confusion from what Bill has already shared in Chapter 1. When I told Bill, "He is a man", you needed to hear the tone of my voice, I said it quietly and thoughtfully, in a matter of fact way. Bill did not misunderstand, I was not saying that Bill was not also a man, for he is, a very strong and dedicated man, with high standards, and an easy going personality, and he is a wonderful father and husband. He has been loyal to me, and worked hard to provide for us. I could never have found a better soul mate and husband. Bill has always said I should be more adventurous. Little did he know I already was more adventurous.
I feel if the roles were reversed, I would not be able to emotionally handle what I am putting Bill through. But men are so very different than women, and of course, not all men are alike, as all women are not alike. Bill is enjoying this revelation far more than I ever would have thought. It is as though all of the fantasies we shared have come to life, for real, and he is very turned on (all of the time) by our situation. In reality, they have, and even more that he doesn't know about yet.
I always believed that a wife should never lose the respect of her husband. And that if she did, it was only a mater of time before he would leave her. I vowed when I was young to never let my husband lose his respect for me. That is the main reason I was never able to share with him about the relationship with my friend. What I did not understand, was that Bill would not have lost his respect for me from my sexual adventure, but he almost did because I did not share it with him. Well, that has changed; he is in awe of what I have done with my friend; and, we are both in awe of what Bill and I have done together since the revelation.
I feel he is hurt by my not sharing this with him earlier, but because I have reassured him repeatedly, that he is my true love, he is able to let the sexual excitement drive him, not the pain of concealment. Thank Goodness, because I really do not know what I would do without him. He means so very much to me! And as I have reminded him, everything I have done has been within his agreement with me, which he pushed upon me 28 years ago.
We have enjoyed a very rich sex life the last three weeks, and he has done more with me than we had ever done before. I have been with my friend one time since I began relating my affair to Bill, and I shared I was going to see him before we actually met. He does not yet know that Bill knows. My hope is that after full discloser, Bill will allow me to continue with my relationship, but that is up to him. I will abide by whatever he decides, at least I feel I can, but I am really not sure.
For your benefit, I feel a need to back up and give you my view of our background and our early years, that is Bill and my early years. We met in college, and within the first ten minutes, I felt that Bill and I would be together forever. Bill did not feel it quite that soon, but after a couple of months of dating, we were both sure our love was real, and we were meant for each other. I had been brought up in a very strict home, and I was taught that sex was bad, and was only allowed between a husband and wife, so we did not do anything more than chaste kissing at the end of our dates.
Bill wanted more, but respected me enough to abide by the limits I set. We were married after dating for three years, and on our honeymoon, Bill and I both willingly surrendered our virginity to the other. We had so much fun together, in and out of bed. We were and are soul mates. I would use my hands to excite Bill, and he would do the same for me before having intercourse in the missionary position. I would sometimes orgasm with his penis deep inside me as he vigorously pumped my vagina. We would also share fantasies, but I was not very comfortable doing that, because I was a "good" girl, and I didn't feel that "good" girls did that. However, inside, I was as excited as he was, thinking about the possibilities of a different kind of sex rather than just plain intercourse.
About five years into our marriage, after our first two sons were born, his fantasies took a turn to the more wild side. He would ask me questions about if I wanted to experiment with another man in bed. These thoughts at first revolted me, but I would answer his questions as best I could. I did not want another man, I wanted him, and our family, and a house with a white picket fence surrounding it, and the fairy tale living happily ever after. No matter how many times I said that, Bill kept bring another man or men into his fantasies with me.
About the same time, he got a new job, a traveling sales position, where he was on the road three to four nights a week. I didn't like him being gone, and felt he should not have taken the job, but he repeatedly told me he wanted to do this, he was good at it, and it was the way to make my dreams of being a stay at home mom, with the house, and cars, and everything else a reality. So I accepted this as just part of the cost of getting the other things we wanted. I would get very tired taking care of the boys during the week by myself, and when Bill came home, he wanted sex, which at the time was not high on my list of fun things to do.
The more I slowed down in the bedroom, the more he wanted, and his fantasies of me being with others grew larger and larger. Bill never quite understood that as tired as I was, I needed loving all week in order to feel like having intercourse with him on the weekends. Our lives continued, and we made it through to the point where the boys were finally off to school during the days. I felt so free, as though a huge burden of motherhood has been lifted from my shoulders. Things got better between Bill and me, and when he wanted loving, he got loving; my body craved his as much as he craved mine. This served to heighten Bill's fantasies now, and they now always focused on me with other men.
When I told him I didn't want other men, he didn't believe me, and that is when I made an agreement with him that was the real start of my sexual awakening. If he had not pushed it, we would probably not be where we are today. His words were so very clear to me, he said that he wanted me to be free to explore my sexuality with others, and that he wanted to encourage me to find other men and get pleasure from them. He said there was so much more to loving than just rubbing and missionary intercourse. He also said that I did not need his permission to explore, but that when it was over, he wanted ALL of the details.
I don't know if he really expected me to follow through, or not. It concerned me that he was not satisfied with our normal sex life, and I wondered if in his traveling, he was exploring his sexual awakening with other women. I asked him since he was so insistent upon me being with other men, did he want permission to be with other women. He said no, he only wanted me, and he promised he would not be with anyone else. I asked where his fantasies were coming from, and he said he bought Penthouse magazines, and Hustler magazines to pass the time in his hotel rooms at night. I had never looked inside of either, and asked to see some the next time he got them. He agreed, and left one of each with me before he went out of town the next week.
Here I was, home alone during the day, and this "good" girl started to read the stuff he had left for me. If he had been home when I first looked at them, I would have tossed them out and given him a stiff rebuke, they were clearly not a magazine a "good" husband should be reading. But as the week went on, I was drawn back to the magazines to read the articles, to read the letters sent in by "normal" people, and to read the stories that were highlighted. Bill had dog eared some of the pages, surprisingly, not the ones with pictures, but the ones that specifically included wife sharing. I began to understand that he really was hooked on this niche of human sexuality. My fantasies then came from out of the blue, and I began to wonder what it would be like. But I was a "good" girl through and through, at least I thought I was, and in any event, I needed to be --- for my husband. I did not believe he really wanted his wife to be that wild.
About that same time, I joined the local school PTA and got really involved in the group. It was fun to be out and about with adults again, rather than young children, and there was a man, a parent, who also was in the group. We met and found that we agreed on most everything, and he was fun to be around. He was a single parent, and had a little girl in the same classroom as our second son. His wife had left him for another man, and he was left to raise his daughter, and take care of his home, job, etc. In case you have not put it together yet, he is THE man.
BUT, it didn't happen that quickly, we would gather at meetings, and we were cordial, but not overly so. About four months later, as spring was in the air, I needed a ride home from a meeting at the school, and he offered to drop me off. As we arrived home, he asked if he could come in, and I politely declined, saying I had too much to get done, and perhaps another time. But the seed had been planted. He was interested in me, and I had apparently unknowingly given him signals I might be interested in him.
Bill remembered when I mentioned I had gotten a ride home from a very nice gentleman from the PTA meeting and that he had wanted to come in but I turned him down. Bill even remarked that I should have taken him up on his offer to see where it might lead. I laughed it off at the time, and said he was going to lose his "good" girl if he wasn't careful. He had no idea how accurate that statement would later be. I never mentioned him again to Bill, and he never asked.
The next week, I again needed a ride since our car was still in the shop being repaired, and I called my friend and asked if he could provide transportation. He agreed, and also asked me out to lunch afterward. I don't know why, but I said, yes, I would enjoy it. I feel it was the loneliness of Bill being gone 4 to 5 days a week, and to be honest, the excitement of having a man interested in me. I felt like an old mom, raising two boys on my own, and he offered me an escape from this drudgery.
As I dressed for the meeting, I put on my makeup better than usual, not too heavy, but enough to accent my features. In many ways I was as excited as a high school girl going out on her first date, but this wasn't a date, I didn't even know much about him. I didn't know what his real interest in me was, or for that matter, what my interest in him was. I only knew I was interested in seeing where this might lead. I put on a nice dress, just a little more classy than usual, and a pair of sandals. I earlier had a pedicure; I know Bill always liked to see my bare feet with all of my nails done to perfection. I guessed my new friend may also like the same thing. I remember feeling funny and wondered, "What am I doing?"
After the meeting, we went to the local Olive Garden restaurant, and had a nice secluded booth in the back. I was not too worried that anyone we knew would see us, and it provided a nice place to sit and talk. We talked for over three hours, and exchanged many facts. Yes, he was a single dad, no he was not seeing anyone at the time, yes I felt like a single parent because Bill traveled so much, yes, he was handsome, yes, he thought I was intelligent and charming (his words), he owned his own business, so he had lots of time available during the day, yes, he was committed to being the best father he could be for his little girl, he was also hurting because his wife had left him for another man, he didn't know what had happened, he just knew she didn't want to be a wife, or a mom anymore, and he was left holding the bag. I remember feeling compassion and I empathized with his pain.
We didn't talk about sex, we didn't talk about fantasies, and we didn't talk about us, it was not romantic, because we talked about who each of us was, and what was happening in our lives. We became close friends that day. He took me home in time for me to meet the boys when they arrived on the bus. He didn't offer to come in, but I offered to fix him lunch the next day at our home. I meant to reciprocate for today's lunch, but in hindsight, my motives were to find a way to get to know him more. I was curious, and wanted to know more about this man. I wasn't thinking sex, or an affair, or a relationship, just of him being a close friend. It was Wednesday, and Bill was due to be coming home on Friday that week, so there was still a day of "private" time before the weekend.
He smiled and accepted my offer, and we agreed on 11:30 the next day. I didn't know where this was going, but I was intrigued, and quite frankly happy to have found another person I felt could possibly become a true close friend. I had been feeling lonely since Bill was gone so much and now I had found a new friend and I was no longer feeling lonely.
The next day, I got the boys off to school on time, and then cleaned up both the house and myself. I wore a simple dress, with light makeup again, no stockings and as usual while at home I always was barefoot, so I was informal, but still respectable. My friend arrived on time, and I had prepared hamburgers for the outdoor grill along with Potato Salad and fruit. He offered to do the cooking, and I thought that would be nice, so together we went onto the patio and he grilled, while we sat and talked. He surprised me with his first question, and that was why had his wife ever considered another man, was there something wrong with him, and in what ways was he inadequate?
I didn't know quite how to respond, but it did make me empathize with his situation and quite frankly, I wanted to comfort him as best I could at that moment. I believe the emotional connection between us occurred at this very point in time. The grilling was done, and we ate outside with the gentle warm breeze on our backs. When we were done, he asked if we could do this again, because he enjoyed my company so very much, and he needed a close friend to help him through his current situation. I agreed, but said it would have to be Monday, since Bill would be home tomorrow morning.
As he was leaving, he very slowly and very softly put his arm around my back, and pulled me close to him for our very first kiss. It was unbelievable. Where Bill's kisses where always strong, ours was very soft and gentle. So very sexy, and yet it was so undemanding. I kissed him back gently, letting him know my feelings for him were mutual, and the ice had clearly been broken. We both knew at that moment that we would become lovers, and neither of us could stop the ball that we had started, gathering steam as it went.
After he left, I was again filled with all kinds of questions, and concerns. I was supposed to be a "good" wife, yet here I was thinking of another man, and knowing he was thinking of me also. I believe I empathized with his pain too much, and it was my desire to alleviate that pain that was one of the things driving me at that time. I didn't think of Bill, I didn't think of anyone else but my previous loneliness, and now my ability to please him and help him through his pain. Where would this lead, well, I didn't know, I just felt deep down that we would consummate our relationship next week. This thought scared me.
Bill came home the next day as scheduled, and we made love everyday that weekend. I was on fire, because I had a new outlook on life, and relationships, and my marriage. If Bill had not started me down the road with his fantasies, and had not made the agreement with me, and had not shared his magazines and the stories contain in them with me, my old-self would never had even allowed me to get in my friends car the first time. Let alone go out to lunch with him, and then... In my mind I had already committed adultery with my friend, and it was ok.
Monday arrived all too soon, and Bill was out on the road bright and early that morning. I again cleaned up the house after the boys were on the school bus, and then back into the shower for me. What should I wear today? I wanted to please my friend, and let him know that I was there for him. Uncharacteristically, I put on my blue jean hot pants, and a dark yellow halter top that I had bought to wear for Bill before the boys came along. I had worn the same outfit the day we went to a local amusement park, and Bill could not keep his eyes off me all day long. I felt very self-conscious that day, my nipples are prominent under normal circumstances, and when I am excited, they stand out about 1/2 inch, and are about the size of gumdrops. The halter top was knit, and was very sexy and very tight. Under my hot pants, I wore my sexiest bikini panties. No stockings, no shoes or sandals, just three pieces of clothing. My nails were again perfect, and I was clearly not being modest.
When my friend arrived, I greeted him at the door in my scant outfit. His eyes were all over me, and we kissed as he came through the door. He then smiled at me, and said he was so very happy that we had become friends, and he could not believe how nice I looked. He called me beautiful, he said I was even more beautiful than he had imagined, but what really excited him, was knowing that his desires were returned by me, that I wanted to please him as much as he wanted to please me. We went to the family room, as I had prepared cold sandwiches and a fruit plate so we could spend more time talking, or whatever...
We sat together on the couch, and he put his arm around my back, it was bare from below the halter to the top of my pants, and he gently stroked my naked flesh. I fed him a few bites of sandwich, and he fed me some fresh fruit. His touch was so very gentle, he was not taking anything from me, but allowing me to give to him, and that was my plan. I unbuttoned his shirt, and removed it along with his undershirt. I then rolled off the couch, and laid him down and I lay on top of him feeling his torso and mine come together. We kissed like that for a long time, and whispered to each other.
He asked if I was ok with what we were doing, what about my husband, after all, I was a married lady. I told him not to be concerned, that I knew what I was doing, and I wanted him to forget his pain, and that I wanted to help him forget that pain. I felt I needed him so very badly right then, and I wanted him to feel my longing for him. He began to stroke my breasts, the nipples grew to their maximum size, and he could feel them through the knit fabric. I sat up, and with both hands lifted my halter over my head and threw it on the floor, far away from where we were lying.