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شوخی و سرگرمی سکسی انجمن لوتی / شوخی و سرگرمی سکسی /

"داستانکهای طنز سکسی انگلیسی"

صفحه  صفحه 9 از 11:  « پیشین  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  پسین »  
#81 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 08:04
A pair of sperm cells are passing through a woman’s body. One sperm turns to the other and says, “Oh man I’m tired. How far now to the fallopian tubes?”
“We’ve got quite a way to go,” replied the other sperm, “We’ve only just past the tonsils!”

See, there you go - talking sperm...

got to have 500 hundred characters or the won't post it....

what more do you want?_____________________

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#82 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 08:05
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#83 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 08:05
MAN OF YOUR DREAMS
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITHTHE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed tomeet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search isover, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Go Back to TOP
12. Q&A
Question: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Answer: Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me.
Q. What's the difference betweenlove and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.
Q . A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A . The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q . Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Q. What's the difference betweena 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q . Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#84 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 08:06
Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#85 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 08:06
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#86 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 08:07
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#87 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 08:07
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#88 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 08:08
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#89 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 08:08
A young teen revisits his former “love” and things quickly heat up. Questions, comments and suggestions are welcome as this is my first post here.

4 Months Prior:

I paced around my almost empty room contemplating how I should handle my girlfriend. I wasn't ready to let this relationship end; but, in reality, I couldn't put off the fact I was moving any longer. My house was empty, I had not told my 14 year old lover that I was moving from sunny San Diego, California to some random place that has been doted “Michigan”. It was time I did, but I could not bring myself to break her heart or attempt to have a long distance relationship. I sighed and slowly began the one mile trudge to my girlfriends house; all the way trying to come up with a reasonable excuse to why I had: not told her I was moving in a few hours and not told her our relationship had to end. I pulled out my phone and quickly texted “I'm on my way over I'll be there in 5” and continued the walk through my neighborhood.

When I arrived at her doorstep and rang the doorbell a 5' 6”, 106 lb body flung itself at me and threw me into a passionate embrace. I welcomed her tongue into my mouth and spent the next couple of minutes exploring her mouth until I slowly drew away from her and led her into the house. For a few moments I paused to admire her frame, she was skinny with light blonde hair and b-cup breasts. The perfect package for a 5' 9”, 13 year old athlete that weighed about 134 lbs of nothing but muscle due to football, rugby and martial arts. I let a sigh escape my lips before I broke the news, and after I had finished my short explanation I looked up to see my now ex-girlfriend sitting there in tears before she quickly ran to her room and slammed the door. I tried to tell myself that there was nothing I could do, besides, she had given me what? I blowjob? I futilely attempted to convince myself that I had done the right thing and that she had been nothing to me as I walked out of her house and back to mine.

- - -

The Next Morning:

I climbed into a car that was bound for Michigan and I tried to convince myself that somehow a life in Michigan would be better than my almost perfect life I had in California. I had friends, I was a star in sports and I had best girlfriend I could ask for. What would Michigan have? Nothing.

- - -

The Present:

Four months had passed since I had left my girlfriend crying in her house as I left to move to Michigan. In the time that I had been in Michigan I had “gotten some” from two different girls and even picked up another steady girlfriend that I “loved”. I guess in a way that is better than I had done in California. But now summer before my Freshman year in high school was officially in session and I had no school for the next eleven weeks, and I had a plane ticket to go back to California for two weeks.

I was walking out of the San Diego International Airport when I was greeted by former best friend Brandon and shuttled off to his house (across the street from my former home). After a short while of conversing and checking up on old times with Brandon I let him know that I was going to go try to make amends with my former girlfriend and amazing friend Natalie.

When I arrived at Natalie's doorstep I rang the doorbell much as I had done four months prior. A few seconds later Natalie opened the door and almost feinted from the shock of seeing me. After letting out a shriek of excitement she charged me and threw me into an ecstatic embrace that seemed to go on forever. She hadn't changed a bit and still looked every bit as hot as she did when I left her and man was I glad to have her hot body in my arms. I once again broke the embrace and simply said, “Hey Nat, how's it been going?”

She responded my saying, “Not to well man, I've missed you and had kind of a shitty year. Why haven't you texted me?”

I did the only thing I could think of and mumbled. “I didn't think you wanted to talk to me after what I did to you. You seemed like you wouldn't want to talk to me or be my friend anymore.”

With a small laugh she said. “Just as stupid as when you left Drew, of course I wanted to be your friend. I thought you had become a “Big Michigan Man” and had forgotten about me. What's done is done now though, want to go swimming?”

That was an offer that I could not pass up. But, then again I didn't have anything but the athletic shorts that I was wearing. When I told Natalie this she laughed and said, “Swim in your boxers man. I don't really care.”

That was all the prompting that I needed, I quickly walked out to her pool and shed my shorts and tank top leaving my: 5' 9”, long blonde wavy hair, skinny yet muscled frame exposed to the world. I laid out on a reclining beach chair until Natalie made her presence heard by giving a quick “Ta-da!” as she jumped out into view in a skimpy white bikini that hugged her skinny curves just right. As she turned around to let her front be seen I saw the smallest triangles of cloth covering her breasts and my dick 6” dick began to swell on the spot. She noticed this, gave a small smile and proceeded to sexily walk over towards me and embrace me in a passionate kiss.

I didn't know how to react, I had a girlfriend and this girl was my ex. If I kept making out with her I could forever label myself as a cheating man-whore and I didn't know how I could ever face my girlfriend again. Yet, the swell in my pants was now rock hard and I couldn't deny the fact that I wanted to kiss this hot bitch. I began fighting her tongue with mine and rubbing my hands up and down her back. Natalie pulled back for a moment and sat up on the edge of the beach chair; I gave her a questioning look and she responded by pulling the strings of her bikini and letting her breasts hang out for my eyes to see. I sat up and pulled her close to me, kissing her passionately again while feeling her breasts roughly. This began to produce small moans from her as I began to kiss her neck.

I paused and said, “Are you sure this is what you want babe?”

She responded by laying down on the recliner and almost whispering, “Drew, I wanted to give my v-card to you when you lived here. That hasn't changed. I love you and always will.”

My mind rand wild as I processed this. She loved me and wanted me to have my way with her. I had girlfriend but she didn't know that. So what did it matter? I simply said, “I love you too babe and I'm going to take it from you.”
I got on top of her and began to kiss her neck and headed south until I reached her breasts. I cupped one with one hand and took the other in my mouth and began to suck and lick it. A moan of affirmation spurred me on and I continued to roughly massed and kiss both of her breasts until I began to continue my journey south. I kissed my way down her stomach and when I reached the top of her bikini bottom I slowly slid it off her and took a look for the first time at her virgin pussy, it was beautiful and I new I wanted to make love to it. I spread her legs and began to enthusiastically lick her pussy, exploring the one place that she had held from me up until this point. I continued to lick as slowly began to slide a finger in and out of her tight little pussy. By this time she was moaning and that spurred me on to lick and finger her pussy faster until her body shuddered violently and she arched her back into a mind blowing orgasm.

To me it looked like she had passed out until after thirty or so seconds she regained composure and gave a laugh before saying, “Holy shirt Drew, why did I ever say no to you before? But now, it's my turn. You lay down baby.”

I didn't need any more urging as I quickly switched places with her and pulled down my boxers letting my 6” dick out of its cotton cage. She giggled and quickly got on her knees and grasped my cock. She began to pump and I felt as if I would blow within seconds. I tried to think of my 65 year old male math teacher to hold me off as she slowly licked up and down my shaft until finally she granted my cock entrance to her small little mouth. As she took a small part of my cock in her mouth she continue to pump my cock until I could not hold off any longer. I shot long ropes of cum into her mouth and she swallowed it all like the little slut that she was.

Without a word she grasped my still hard cock and repositioned herself so her pussy was lingering just inches above my eager dick. But before she went down on me she said, “Remember what I told you months ago? I'm on the pill. So take my virginity from me.”

With that she let herself down slowly on to my dick pushing through her hymen and producing a look of intense pain on her face. After a few seconds she regained herself and began to slowly move herself up and down on my cock. The fact that I had just come a few moments ago let me survive the onslaught of pleasure that her tight little canal was causing me. Natalie began to moan as I began to move my hips in unison with her downward thrusts, sending my cock deep into her pussy. Within a couple minutes I felt my balls start to tighten and I began to thrust harder deep into her pussy as she began to shudder in orgasm once again. I kept up my thrusts until I shot ropes of cum deep into her pussy. My now shriveling dick slid out of her pussy as I pulled her closer to me and kissed her passionately. I muttered, “I love you.”

She responded by saying, “So do I and I want to prove it. How much longer are you staying for?”

My mind ran wild at that and I began to think of the possible things that could happen within the next two weeks.

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     

#90 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 08:09
I've always had them. I just had no idea how much fun it could be and how good it'll feel. I got some more this Christmas from my granma, mum and my sisters. Yesterday I wanted to put them into a ultimate test. I played them for hours until they were all soaking wet. Then I pressed some ice sticks inside of them. They were very flexible. Finally I went to home and pierced them with some hangers. I tapped the fur to make it smooth and putted them over a fire.
This morning I wanted to go play with them again. I touched them and they felt soft. I caressed the fur and it was wet. I pressed my hand in one...

- OH GOD DAMN IT WHY WON'T MY MITTENS EVER DRY???

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
صفحه  صفحه 9 از 11:  « پیشین  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  پسین » 
شوخی و سرگرمی سکسی انجمن لوتی / شوخی و سرگرمی سکسی / "داستانکهای طنز سکسی انگلیسی" بالا
جواب شما روی این آیکون کلیک کنید تا به پستی که نقل قول کردید برگردید
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برای دسترسی به این قسمت میبایست عضو انجمن شوید. درصورتیکه هم اکنون عضو انجمن هستید با استفاده از نام کاربری و کلمه عبور وارد انجمن شوید. در صورتیکه عضو نیستید با استفاده از این قسمت عضو شوید.



 
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