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شوخی و سرگرمی سکسی

"داستانکهای طنز سکسی انگلیسی"

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#91 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 07:09
A seven year old Nick was in school and he sweared a lot. The teacher was shocked and told him to write the three horrible words fifty times on the chalckboard and lick them away.
After he was finished he went home tired. When his father asked about it, Nick said:
- Well, you would be tired after licking 50 pussies and asses. Oh, yes and teacher wanted me to have a fuck fifty times in front of the class.

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#92 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 07:10
A 20 year old girl and 20 year old guy were engaging into foreplay. The girl proceeded to pull out his penis and stroke it till it got hard. As soon as the guy goes to put on the condom his penis starts to go down.

"No problem, I'll get it back up again" says the girl. So she strokes his penis again until it got rock hard but as soon as he started to put on the condom, he got soft again.

The girl got frustrated and this time give him some head until he got rock hard. But soon as he tried to put the condom on, we went soft again.

"WTF" she says with an agitated voice. "What is wrong with your penis? Why it keep going down?"

"Nothing is wrong with my penis" he says. "Let me try something different this time"

She started to handstroke him again until he got rock hard. He then proceeded to put on the condom and this time he did not go down. Then they had passionate sex for a good hour.

Finally after they finish she said "WOW that was great!" " So how come the first few times you kept going down but then you manage to get it up?"

"You don't want to know" says the guy. "Of course I do, it's okay, you can tell me" says the girl.

So the guy says, "Okay, but don't take this personal, but I never opened my eyes"

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#93 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 07:10
A cop is int the changing room at the precinct when his partner comes into the locker room with a huge smile on his face.

"what you so happy about?" His buddy asks.

"I had the greatest sex of my life last night, and surprisingly it was with the with."

"Bullshit," the first cops replies.

"No, it's true. I'll tell you what I did. When I got home, I got one of my revolvers, loaded it with a blank and hid it under the pillow then started getting frisky with the wife. As soon as I was ready to blow my load, I pulled out the gun and fired it. Man the wife got such a fright, she she tightened up, it was just incredible.

Man I've got to try that, the first cop exclaims with anticipation.

However next morning he turns up with a sour look and his face and is all hunched over in pain.

"So what happen?" his buddy asks.

"Don't want to talk about it."

"Come on, you can't keep me hanging like this, I told you how to go about it, I deserve to find out what happened."

"Well I did as you said. Loaded a blank into my revolver and hid it under the pillow and then started getting amorous with the with. when I was just about ready to com, I pilled out the gun and fired it off."

"so what happened?

"She bit then of my dick of and shit in my face

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#94 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 07:11
There was a wild and run down bar in the middle of the Australian outback. One quiet afternoon a kangaroo dressed in a fancy suit with spats and a monocle comes in and hops up to the bar.

"Good day mate,how can I help you?" the bartender asks.

In a fancy accent the kangaroo answers "Let me have a beer."

The bartender gives him a Fosters and says "That'll be $10."

The kangaroo hands him the tenner and drinks down the brew,then gets ready to leave.

The bartender says "We don't get many of your kind in here mate."

The kangaroo answers "With prices like these, I'm not suprised."

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#95 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 07:12
Take the first annual, Choose-A-Urinal Challenge! Men should ace this test (or suffer the wrath of men everywhere)... women are on their own. But, there IS a code of the rest room that MUST be followed. The, following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room. An X above the number will indicate "in use."


(Sample)
X X
1 2 3 4 5 6
Indicates men are at stalls 3 and 6.


You mission is to identify correctly, based on proper urinal etiquette, the stall at which you should stand. Good luck!

Easy Section
1. Urinals 2 and 4 are occupied.
X X
1 2 3 4 5 6
Enter your choice here: __


The correct answer is 6. It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.



2. Urinal 1 is occupied.
X
1 2 3 4 5 6
Enter your choice here: __


The correct answer is 6. Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.

Kind of Tricky Section
3. No urinals are occupied.

1 2 3 4 5 6

Enter your choice here: __


The correct answer is 1 or 6. By choosing one of these, you are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."



4. Urinals 2, 4 and 6 are occupied.
X X X
1 2 3 4 5 6

Enter your choice here: __


The correct answer is 1. You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium rest rooms where the herd thunders in.

Subtle, Tricky, but Important to Know Section

5. Urinals 2, 5 and 6 are occupied.
X X X
1 2 3 4 5 6

Enter your choice here: __


The correct answer is 4. Believe it or not, 1 or 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice it to say, only we men would understand!

VERY Tricky Indeed Section

6. Urinals 1, 2, 5 and 6 are occupied.
X X X X
1 2 3 4 5 6

Enter your choice here: __


The answer is NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for God's sake, man, use a stall with a door!

Other Parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.
I don't think I need to tell you, but absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is the highest offense.
NO Singing. Period.
Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again."
Who'd have thought SO much goes into a seemingly simple process?

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#96 | Posted: 8 Sep 2011 07:13
There was this woman who didn't have a man and so she didn't had sex in months. So she went to this voodoo woman and explained her problem, she said " miss I can't tell you the last time i had sex i need your help please can you help me?" so the voodoo woman gave her a voodoo cock and told her that when she wants to use it just say, " voodoo cock my pussy". The woman then ran home in excitement that she didn't wait for the rest of the instructions. As soon as she got home she said, "voodoo cock my pussy" and the cock started to fuck her. Two hours passed and the woman was getting tired but she didn't know how to get the cock to stop fucking her. She tried everything but nothing worked. Finally she went to the police station and met a sgt. on duty. She explained the whole story to the officer and said that she needed help. The sgt. then said to her, " woman, you expect for me to believe this nonsense bout a voodoo cock? Woman if you don't get out of my face talking shit. Woman voodoo cock my ass."

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#97 | Posted: 25 Sep 2011 10:57
دوستانی که زبان انگلیسیشون ضعیفه میتونند از طریق مترجم گوگل صفحات رو ترجمه کنند ترجمه زیاد سلیس وروان نیست ام مفهوم رو میرسونه
ابتدا به آدرس زیر بروید
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زبان را از هر زبان به فارسی انتخاب کنید. سپس آدرس این صفحه را واردکنید
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برای نمونه جک اول به اینصورت ترجمه شد

بچه کمی پیاده روی به اتوبوس شهر و نشسته درست پشت سر راننده و شروع به فریاد ، "اگر پدرم یک گاو نر و مادر من گاو من گاو نر کوچک است."راننده شروع به گرفتن دیوانه در بچه پر سر و صدا ، ادامه ، "اگر پدر من یک فیل و مادرم فیل دختر من خواهد بود فیل کوچولو بود."بچه می رود در چند با حیوانات تا زمانی که راننده اتوبوس می شود ، عصبانی و yells در بچه ، "چه می شود اگر پدر خود را همجنسگرا بود و مادر خود را یک فاحشه بود؟"بچه لبخندی می زند و می گوید : "من خواهد بود راننده اتوبوس!_____________________
     
#98 | Posted: 1 Nov 2011 10:39
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH.............
1. They have absolutely no idea where their purse is.

2. They believe that dancing with their arms overhead and wiggling their butt while yelling 'woo-hoo!' is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. They've suddenly decided that they want to kick someone's butt and honestly believe they could do it too.

4. In their last trip to pee, they realize that they now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess they were just four hours ago.

5. They start crying and telling everyone they see that they love them sooooo much.

6. They get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song play's because 'oh my god! I love this song!'

7. They've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to them.

8. They've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

9. They yell at the bartender, who they believe cheat them by giving them just lemonade, but that's just because they can no longer taste the chardonnay.

10. They think they are in bed, but their pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop ... Or the bathmat?).

11. They fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when they sit on it.
12. They take their shoes off because they believe it's their fault that they're having problems walking straight.

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#99 | Posted: 1 Nov 2011 10:40
Alright guys you've been married for years to your high school sweetheart and things are good! Remember the first time you got to fuck her how tight her lil pussy felt as it gripped so tight around your cock! Oh damn that was pure heaven am I right? Now some years later and after 2 kids its not the same at all,still feels good sure it does but not very tight. Well guys you want to know how to get her sweet pussy really tight like it was at first? Ok heres what you need to do! Go out buy some red candles to put around the tub for her,get some red rose bubble bath beads and get lots of red roses too! Alright now start the bubble bath going with hot water lite up the candles and throw rose peddles all around the bathroom! Now call her and surprise her with what you've done for her. Tell her to get in and relax for awhile leave her alone for about 10 minutes or so then start giving her a nice massage working her neck n shoulders real good. Now go work on her feet a lil slowly start working up her legs then climb into the tub with her and while holding her legs up on your shoulders slide your cock into her pussy go slow at first let the pace pick up as you fuck her real good faster n harder till your pounding her pussy like a wild man...now right when your ready to cum shove her head under the water and hold it there for a few seconds......that pussy will grip your cock tighter than it ever has done before thats for damn sure!!!

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
#100 | Posted: 1 Nov 2011 10:41
Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
     
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شوخی و سرگرمی سکسی انجمن لوتی / شوخی و سرگرمی سکسی / "داستانکهای طنز سکسی انگلیسی" بالا
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